Big Brother living

The big brother. The one who won't go into the party, let alone welcome his little brother back, 'cause he would not be seen with "him". This is a tough one for me, since I tend to lean this way.

See, I was a pretty good kid growing, and too often was told how good a kid I was. Although I had it all together on the outside, there were some things that I was really struggling with, that I had to hide, because I was a good kid. I was living the life of the older brother.

In some ways, this life is tougher, because it is often a life filled with secrets. It's not that we want to live with secrets, but because we are so good and everyone knows it, we have the pressure on us of not letting anyone down. I'm a firm believer in boundaries for those that don't know any better, and believe me, when I was 15, I didn't know what I knew, let alone what I didn't know; boundaries, and a healthy fear of my dad, saved me many times. It's when you have to grow up that this become complicated.

See, you've always been the good kid. You've never questioned authority, hasn't really been a reason to; until a little brother comes around, and your confronted, smack dab in the face, by the reality of grace. Then you deal with all kinds of feelings, like they don't deserve it, you've lived a life by the rules and expectations, so why do they get all the favors; why do the breaks all fall to them. It just isn't right. Big brother living.

It's alive and well in the church too. Here's what I mean. I remember being a sophomore in college, and feeling called to youth ministry. We had an evangelist in for revival, who was going to share his story, and talked about it all week. Saturday night was the night to bring your non-Christian friends to hear his story. Long story short, he shared a dark, sordid story of his past life of sin, and how God had saved him out of that life. We all applaud the great displays of God's love and grace, but what about those who are living every day, simply, step-by-step. I remember leaving that service thinking not only did I have nothing to offer students, but I didn't have anything to offer God.

I hadn't had multiple affairs, I had barely dated. I never drank a drop of alcohol, let alone been a clubber. I hadn't gone through divorce, been a drug addict, slept with multiple women; my story was pretty puny. Had I missed out? Was my life cheapened? Did I have a testimony? Those were the questions I was wrestling with, and am too ashamed to tell you some of what I thought about that evangelist. IT JUST WASN'T FAIR!! Big brother living.

I found myself focusing on the wrong things; it wasn't so much the great life I was living in relationship with God, it was the puny one that I had to live. It wasn't a celebration of the things God had saved me from, but I was left wondering what that life was like, and if my testimony would be better with a little spice thrown in, if you know what I mean. Bitter, resentful, fanticising, and unhappy. What a way to live.

Big brother living. Never happy with where you are. Always wondering where they are.

Glad I don't have to worry about that any more; it's just you're problem.

Okay, seriously, there has to be another way.